Service, or Purpose

Returning from night-time preparations for Homecoming activities with a bustling group of Seniors: This is a moment I cherish in the flow of seasons of being what I am. 

Caught between the service to others and explosion of chaotic creativity that causes me to rush at all directions and yet find myself still, in that place where a beautiful world is whirling around in its own rhythm offering us passage to opportunities beyond what our meek imaginations claim. 

A chance to put up that model-ship mast, decorate that wedding tent in flowers, join my voice in the chorus of a bonding song; all calling me to take part in a bigger piece of art which forms the framework of the world. 

For in each little stitch, each little step I take, each load I lift, I paint a little more of the monotonous with a stroke of heartfelt interest. The masterpiece of our cumulative un-synchronized efforts begins to weave the path of survival through the tragedies of the past into a way through the future. 

A million tragedies are met by a billion hopes for the future; in broken homes and fading languages, empty libraries and homeless men, we can find a nascent child, a home to fill, a hand to hold.

This is the sketch I see, and in myself I see a tool to begin painting. I am untrained and inexperienced. But I enter the world with an open mind, a passion for human progress and a mentality of solving problems and giving my all to any work I do.

Lotus

He loves me

He loves me not

Beautiful, familiar

He is a stranger in his eloquence

Where is my heart without him?

But when shall he know the heart

that is within?

Our little smiles, familiar sweetness

To cover the distance

of lies.

Lies not to lie, not to hurt,

But to protect

myself

of the terrible unknown

He speaks of love

Have we ever gauged the depth

of one to another?

To uncover we stand

face to face

hope for grace

This transfer of energy

is no easy task,

just hoping that one day

The faces will fall away

The days will melt away

the glances will carry a gift

from one to the other

The man will stand up

The woman won’t back down

We will stand

I love him

I love him not

Fuzzy but fading

funny but failing

Honorable, Gold

in the light

Does he stand in the darkness?

Is this laugh superficial?

That deep laugh, rising from his chest

The realest joy I’ve ever felt

That smile when he just

loses all control of his expression

His joy- do I have the strength to make him smile?

He won’t call, unless there is a reason

I am dying to hear his voice

you think this is a lie?

If not love, its at least addiction.

The eyes, deep black

reaching out to take me in

For once let me sink to my knees

and cry.

You are still there

And you are still golden

And you are still the best

So let me be yours.

I love you.

And am willing to believe

despite the difference

and the futility,

You love me.

16^th July 2010

Wages

How long will this go on

a lie within a lie, game within the truth

Hassled bundles of emotion

Haggled together to find relief

Friction caused to bind the thief

to the robbed

and the stolen.

Worthless fought with earnest work

to keep somehow something shape or form

Laughter plagues the bedraggled ears

of chaos, Instantaneous; Tears

fight me back with mortal wounds

Over and over I plead guilty

Leave me to my own defects

Pain cannot envelope this grief

So the tragedy remains dry and tasteless

Walked through the days repeat

Back these roads are wry and paceless

Stuck between the greenly pages

These horrors can’t be rendered faceless

Masochistic optimism

draws in the flies like to a prison

Beating in a restless soul

Sell to me a glassless prism

Lit up enough

to light the sky

Free the pond’s delinquent cry

End the race and kill the die

Bird for stone and rock for sky.

31^st August 2010

Hoping

The heart.
My heart is sinking
like the sun on the horizon
Yearning for people to be happy
Unhappy is not the place to be
Unhappy is shaken
deflation of spirit
frustration of mind
Sorrow can be good though too
Sorrow can be fine
Sorrow can accept
and be content
Sorrow and Joy combined
Nothing to do about weight on your chest
But let it go and be fine.
After a while
The sun will shine
With joy. True joy.
Joy that’s experienced truth
Joy that’s experienced sadness
Makes it much more complete.
This is why we live together on this Earth.
For the joy and tears
Beauty, love and dissension
Here I am hoping for love
I am hoping for love
I am hoping for love
I am hoping for love
From you.

Black Marble

Twang wire sunlight
Burning down faster
than winter sunlight
I’m crying with my ribs
I want to see the Black stone
That we stand on
Ridiculous- we stand on
Marble black.
reflects the light
We soak up the heat
or on the black
But we are good
But we are white
We are fire
We are singing
To never stop
We are smiling
To never stop
So the water sea
will erode the soil
the black marble
The black marble
and the soil
will be new.
Will be red soil
Will be happy
Will be alive
will be there
When I die
‘Cause I am not dying, Red Soil
I am not singing to slime
To black soil
You are growing
You are growing
and red soil
goes black
The roots are delving
Deeper
You know it
You know it’s planted
I am rooted
and growing
in the red soil
They scatter my buds though
They scatter my blood
Mother
don’t stop
For I am still
of a fruit
and for the love
of the sky.

18th March 2010

Caller ID

Cry for the hurts

Caused by stuck up souls

Chats over a cup of coffee

That tormented the politics of freedom

Have you ever heard

the cries of my soul

As I tell you how my dad’s dying

And my mother’s lying

to her soul.

Do you not see how I lie to you

When I say the pain is theirs, not mine

Do have a heart that dares

To look into another’s eyes?

No doubt you’ve lied of reputation

You’ve saved your own through refutation

You can say nothing to me

That isn’t true

‘Cause I know your number.

The pain you’ve had

Is buried in a cave of dissatisfaction

We dug you up

To get robbed of priority

Holding hands is like temptation

Bloody hell is left for Satan

Takes a grip to make one sick

And hope is lost amid frustration

Don’t call me again

Caller ID is the new thing

To fall into the swing of things

Is to let go of the past like we never knew

That I’d have your number

But you know what?

It’s the flames of fruition

That suck up the strokes of my pen.

No one owns no one.

No one knows no one.

No number is known.

Ashes

Dying
on the inside
I believe in rebirth

Burning
through the layers
of masochistic insanity

I don't hate myself
I don't hate anyone else.
I just hate this feeling
That I don't belong

Belong perhaps
because of color and shape
Belong because of my name or my face
Belong because of right
Or terribly wrong

Do I deserve?

Its not a matter of comparison
I cannot be worse than a friend
I must only be the best
of myself
Standards on my own

But you, my mother, my father
My sister, my brother,
teacher and holder
caretaker, caregiver
You teach me the standards
I live by.

And yet they are my own.
Do I deserve?

Does this pain
correctly allocate the blame;
correctly certify the guilt
correctly advocate the shame?
Take this away, this seamless tide
of what and who and why I was.
Lies that name the darkest things
a person ever hoped to be.

I have been hurt
Let there be no lie.
The guilt gives me no strength
No moral fortitude resolves
What I have done.
No anger to vent
No soul to be rent
Poor savior, be sent
to my side.

I fear nothing more
Than the doubt
That I will make it out alive.
I couldn't care less for punishment
sorrow
If only I knew my heart would heal.
If only I knew my heart could still feel
The sunshine on a rainy day
And know that I'll be fine.

Dying
on the inside
Lying
in the rip tide
Crying
to be sanctified

There must be rebirth.
But do I deserve?

Soldier

The music is changing

The heart-springs that pull me apart

Its then that I know

I was less than a song from the start

Cause heartbeats don't change
the color of my skin
If you want me to break
It'll take more to win

My neurons are linked
like a twisted flower
I'm wired like a war-tank
Its built like a tower

You blood doesn't stop me shuddering
Holocaust is a revolution
of the gruesome infinite reality
Into sickening sadly sunken ships.

My works are sacrificed
for your every call to help
But helping is consistent to myself
And your eyes tell me you are defeated.

I am sick with your loss
You glassy-eyed thing
But I cannot stop
I report to the king.

Repertoire, Commissary,
Painless job, delivery

Its my job to administrate
the movement of the fireflies
Its my dream to stay awake
At least until the fire dies

And though you ponder
what controls me
At least my Captain
is raging free.

Storyteller-cursed to tell
Stories like an axe-on-tree
Its histories you're cursed to fell
And stop the truths from hitting me.

Repertoire, Commissary
Painless job, delivery.

They hired me for the face
That told them they belong
In a stopped-clock salary
I think my face was wrong.

And I am sick with losing you
Your glassy eyes still torturing
I swear there was nothing I could do
I keep reporting to the King.

Ignorance not worth this price
Your death worthier than your life-
It is my hope to be deceived
But truth is sharper than my knife.

Repertoire, Commissary
Painless job, delivery
I live and die in painless greed
Your king was mine
and we believe
In parking brakes and rusting keys
Change of gears
And we are free.

16^th May 2010

Force Me

I walk away

to hear you say

‘Why do you do this to me?’

I come to you

and here you say

‘Why do you do this to me?’

I come to be

here for a day

to see you laugh

or turn away.

To leave me naked

to leave me bare

to leave me dying

or in despair

I walk away

to hear you say

the words that bring me back again.

Oh, please may I ask a single question-

Why do you do this to me?

P.L.Rao

4^th April 2009

Thirsty

Laughs
Like the tinkling of a shell twig
in the wind

Ragged breath
Like the removal and renewal
of dirty sheets

Do you die
for the joy of the coming
generation?

Gritted teeth
To hold together the misinformation
of carnation

Drinking up
The elixir of glittery satisfaction
To be yours.

Dry as
a silly bee
in the autumn season
To be consumed by
The absence of
nectar.

21st June 2010

Divergence

I could see the whole dress
Ripping down the seams
The dress of our relationship
Falling from my skin
And I will never be ready to be naked
Without you.

And I could see your hand fall away
There is nothing left to give
In the silence of the night
Your breathing shall not give
The comfort it once did.

At least in the quiet moments of night
peace can carry us to sleep
I never wanted to dream up lies
And now there is nothing left between us
To escape from

This dress drifts to the floor
And I am free from the itchiness of its weave
But some discomforts are worth living with.
And I’m still not sure
I am rid of you.

Nothing can force this silence down
But our words are heard unspoken
The harmony that our hearts play out
Has never ceased to make perfect sense
This ragged love can no longer delay
The point of our divergence.

15th May 2010

Woman

Women are beautiful
Was there ever any doubt?
And when they step like a flower
To the light
And as I wander
So aim-less-ly
We may safely say
That she is I and I am she
Womanhood.
Is a state of red blood
And fair skin
Tough love
and hard faith
And no home
will ever be as home to me
As the home
a woman
makes for me.

May 1st 2010

Taking you back

This may kill you
To hear me say
That you are dirty
Dirty like a killer plane
Crashes in the flames.

Dirty in the betrayal
Shore up what is left of your love
Among the muck of sick
betrothal.

You grabbed me by the hooks
And raided my pockets
It’s a hard world
To stay warm in.

If the fires are ever relit in your heart
Then may you go through the pain
of remorse
And relearn the meaning
of human.

And if the hopes are ever aroused again
May you remain isolated
Till you have the strength
To forgive yourself.

And if I’ve done you wrong
Then what have you done to me?
In pain and sorrow
All you could give is an apology.
And to give you’d have to reach me
And to reach you’d have to find me
And to find me would a job for you.
For Im living life,
And you have been dead.
And I don’t plan
on taking you back.

30th April 2010

Listen

To withhold myself and listen
When my heartbeat wont stop flying
To deny myself the simple right
of selfish ambition
By physical power
to prevent my indulging
in pleasurable worry
To stop myself and listen.
By mind I lose to personal daydreams
By heart to distracting desires
By decision I withhold
my personal pursuits
silence my spider-web mind of matters
and Listen
when there is someone speaking
To hear when someone calls
To learn when someone teaches
What have I missed
in searching for what I thought I wanted?
Who have I hurt
in finding what I thought healed me?
Home I have lost
in the race for some elusive ‘other’
Call me home
And I will come
Hear my call
Answer me
I withhold myself to listen.

9th March 2010

Moth

What is life, but a few more hours of adventure?
What is a life saved to be lost months later?
What is a name
engraved on a tombstone wall?
What is the line between the light and the darkness?
What has been lost to me
by the fall of my faces, my society
my loves, my friends
My mother
What is more glorious than the touch in the darkness
than the pounding of light between hands
The swinging in the sky
The sailing of wings in the air
To pound and pull and strain to fly
higher and higher and higher away

25th January 2010

Seen

Seen
For the lies I’ve told
Though my eyes told the truth.
And my heart yearned that you know
with out my saying.

Seen
For the smiles you mocked
Though my heart was warmed
With the thoughts you found
To be low

Seen
For the tears
I needn’t have shed
‘Cause I thought there was more wrong
Than there ever had to be

Yet I made the anger real
I made the tears a joke
I made the laughter die
I made the lies belie
What I wanted you to know.
This is a paradox of expression
In that I let you see
what I was not,
I let myself conform
To the shape of your eyes.
Forgive me though
you may not.
I still choose
To forgive myself.

26th April 2010

Cocoon

The running, the screaming
The friends and the teaming
Your cries, and my lies
Your laughter so harsh
to my ears.

This talking,
not walking
Sitting, tick-tocking
Your faces so blind
to my fears.

This moment not stopping
My clattering talking
Till your hand comes to rest
on my tears.

Some slowing,
Some stopping,
Quiet and rocking
wiping, and soothing
slowing,
then stopping.

Peace swallows chaos,
Takes chaos in its arms and puts it to sleep,
and there in cocoons, the chaos blooms,
and grows into blossoms of a better kind of light,
and there in cocoons, the chaos blooms
and forms the foundation of a better kind of life.

16th April 2010

Crowned

It’s the fire
that is singing new
in the cavern of my soul
as the sheep are calling
for peace
And the wolves are
chasing me through
shadows and darkness
to torment
and devour the flesh
That can express
only half of what I feel
And yet can symbolize so much more.
For I am a lion
in flaming gold
Falling down upon the Earth
as a thousand sparks of starlight.
I am raging
Firefly
to be caught
by some handsome spider
that will burn in the flames of
my hate
And the ransom will not arrive
before I am free.
HourNeverKnow
For this is the reason
I grow large day by day
with the changing of the seasons,
I am not the same
But the same heart overrides
the same heart overcomes
the same face becomes
what is, has always meant to be.
Patience a somber cast
that holds me back
But when I finally surrender
to its encircling arms
It lifts me up like a bird upon the crest of sunset
and walks me through the beaches of eternity
This sky is beautiful
and so are my eyes
when you have been reflected
in them
Darling-don’t step back
the waterfall of H2O
is carrying us through
like never before
I am here, as are you
and the sunrise here
to pronounce us King & Queen

4th February 2010

The World

Everyone Says that the world
is progressed, modern and intellectual . . .

But when everything sounds like angry thunder
and all of this trash is under
the feet of a bunch of dunder-
heads
and my house is left in cinders
and can’t be fixed by builders
and I can’t find any funders
and none are helpers, just bystanders
and there are lots of papers in binders
made by trees ground in grinders
and people are just wilder
instead of being kinder
then I begin to wonder
if the world has been led into a great, big blunder.

21Oct. 2005

My Stutter

I try not to speak
when there is nothing to say
But when you’re there my heart
is in silence.
And I want to share it with you.
I speak and stutter
And struggle to speak
In the hope of a quiet moment
Between our tossing words
Tossing upon a ravenous sea.
See, I speak to you
To hear you talk
To play with your words.
When you are speaking
I explore a wooden glen
I wade in the chilled stream
I watch the sunlight land upon you
I am free I am safe
When you speak, and when you don’t
There is a peace
I find with you
Do not see when I stutter
I am speaking silence
And smiling too.
All I’m doing
Is waiting for you.

Priyanka
25th February 2010

Black Dress

Twisting into a new dress
For another little tryst
With society
To take a new form
for this particular set of eyes

These eyes though
are itchy and red
getting tired of seeing
People wear black more nowadays
More sleep, more darkness more amour
Less cited stains
Its easier on the perfect eyes
of that generation-
Weddings, Funerals
Sons and daughters.

We are not a colorful home to be in
and its time to get changed.
The guests love to see
your young vital bodies
move beneath the black.
Just keep moving
Keep grooving
Keep up the beat
Make it better
if you can

We don’t want no improvisation
No modification
No simplification
We want your moves
We want your bodies moving
to the beats we know-
We want the love
C’mon, its supposed to flow
from those young black hearts of yours
Get out there
and dance.
~Priyanka
8th Feb. 2010

Stationary

Yes I will
I will.
Standin’ around for the sake of standing
Stationary
Everyone thinks they are going somewhere
Even the clouds are departing now
Huntless travelers.
When everything is moving
The traveler is the one standing still.
I had a dream last night
that I was standing next to you.
But we can't trust these dreams any longer
Their truth is as rare
as blood on water
They have no pity for human souls.
So now I stand alone.
Sunday Monday
doesn’t deserve this kind of thought.
Wednesday is the day where the people wake up
Wake up out of exhaustion
they get high when they’ve got nothing left to live on
When the sleep has run out
and the sunburnt night can’t sleep.
I shall awake.
I will.
Yes I will.

Well

Do you see the lights
Shivering in the darkness
at the edge of the water?
How much warmer the reflections
seem to be upon the well water;
Beckoning warmth from you heart
to fill the shivery depths of the well
and light the rims of that round
chasm of water.
-like gold rings to protect you
a ring of fire encircling you
in the darkness
How the rings of light
are cast upon the age-old stone
drawing me to the middle of the well
Leaves and murk drift in the water
Leaves flutter with the fish of darkness
And the snails snuggle
along the muddy ground, with sharp
stones and the water of the well.
Forgotten garlands of marigold
float in the water
Twisting and tangling as if to strangle
some hopeful throat that reaches
for that warmth
of the candle
on the step
next to the water.
My feet are wet
and my toes snuggle in the soft mud
That glows faintly like glory
In that stout candle’s flame
So brave, in this dimly lit cavern
of the well.
The water is cold
And my clothes are dried of sweat
Do you know how much I love you?
The candle won’t burn forever
And the light won’t last the cold
It is time for bed
So sink you’re knees
in the mud with me
Wet our foreheads with the light
that is reflected from the candlelight.
The ripples leave my fingers as if
stealing my love
and chasing it up the well walls
in ringlets of light
that go playing up the wall of stone
Leave your jewels in the water
Leave you jewels in the water
See the hidden crickets chirping
a nightsong silently to me.
They tell me of my dream
And lies I’ve believed,
the candlelight is waking me up,
before I bury my feet in the cold mud
I cut off my hair
where it bothers me most
And tie the rest back.
I cover myself in the shawl
I wrap it around my shoulders and arms
I get out of that water of the well
I heat and fireflies poach the water
from my feet and my toes are warm.
I step into my shoes
I leave the well
I love you
I love you
But do not turn around to look back
into the depth of that well
and its little lights
That candle will go out
in its own time.
No need to sing that song again
You know where to go
And so do I
You know where to go
And so do I.

Priyanka
Jan. 2010

Tired

On the road,
in a class
At the door
walking past;
There are faces
I yearn to know
I need to meet
But cannot reach.

The inability to express
The inability to shout
The inability to scream
A prisoner to doubt.

I cannot say what binds me so.
I am happy with a moment or two
of anger. To get me by.
I do not have the energy any longer
to fight.

I have fought and I have won,
and what have I gained,
but fire in my belly
and fire in my heart.

All the steam is rising
from the lake of my dissension.
I long to rest,
and feel the softness
of a kindred face-
To touch the wounds
of a blundering soul.
Someone to forgive
the crimes of angry nights,
And tell tales of struggles past
and overcome.

The fire still burns-
the embers low
The coals still glowing
with hungry heat.
I slave to cast away the fuel
Of my anger, and my wrath
For its hunger eats me up
Sucks the vigor from my limbs.

I sleep, and in dreams I see
Strangers that I love
and strangers that love me.
They say love is a decision
But I cannot afford to hate.

Lest it darken coming nights
Harden the sunset, once so bright
Turn the working hands to stone
Turn a life to brittle bone.
No one can afford to hate.

The sun is gone
The stars awake
The dreams begin
I lie awake.
No will to fight
A hopeless night…
What is there to do
but love, and wait?

Priyanka
24 October 2009

Unliving

Doubt flickers
inside the box..
for where there used to be life
there is only peace

In the constant movement
of the holding hands
She finds extreme irritation
in the fiery palm-lines.

She suddenly finds
something against life
and movement
and pain and joy.

But the possession
of this demon
passed away
and life comes and goes
along its own way.

Its impossible to judge
when or where or why
anything happens,
anything is done to us,
by ourselves.
I see your heart
Always returning to
the one place
where everything is meant to be.
But is it your heart
or simply a dream,
or a hope,
or a deep desire for goodness?

Where is the truth;
so lost in the mists of myth?
Where is the simplicity;
lost in the multiple facets of reality?
Where is the surrendering;
so essential to the beating of the heart-
but seems so abstract, so buried
Hiding beneath my feet
Crawling around
where it can’t be reached.

oh, breathing
of the summer air.
Is it any cooler up there?

Priyanka
15 April 2009

Boxtop

This is for a new heart to fill everyday
a hope is born TO SHINE
Not ever to fall or fade, but to be remembered
till the end of time,
Where it will rise again
TRIUMPHANT
over all things
without and within
the human mind.
Amen.
30 July 09

Flutterfly

Fluttering
Flattering
Settling Jitterfly
Jingling
Jungling
Glittering Jewelfly
Spiraling
Sprinkling
flowering Flutterfly
Bumbling
Nectaring
Hovering Suckerfly
Windy sigh
flowers die
Sailing by a Butterfly.