Ashes

Dying
on the inside
I believe in rebirth

Burning
through the layers
of masochistic insanity

I don't hate myself
I don't hate anyone else.
I just hate this feeling
That I don't belong

Belong perhaps
because of color and shape
Belong because of my name or my face
Belong because of right
Or terribly wrong

Do I deserve?

Its not a matter of comparison
I cannot be worse than a friend
I must only be the best
of myself
Standards on my own

But you, my mother, my father
My sister, my brother,
teacher and holder
caretaker, caregiver
You teach me the standards
I live by.

And yet they are my own.
Do I deserve?

Does this pain
correctly allocate the blame;
correctly certify the guilt
correctly advocate the shame?
Take this away, this seamless tide
of what and who and why I was.
Lies that name the darkest things
a person ever hoped to be.

I have been hurt
Let there be no lie.
The guilt gives me no strength
No moral fortitude resolves
What I have done.
No anger to vent
No soul to be rent
Poor savior, be sent
to my side.

I fear nothing more
Than the doubt
That I will make it out alive.
I couldn't care less for punishment
sorrow
If only I knew my heart would heal.
If only I knew my heart could still feel
The sunshine on a rainy day
And know that I'll be fine.

Dying
on the inside
Lying
in the rip tide
Crying
to be sanctified

There must be rebirth.
But do I deserve?