Elder Sibling, I was a Child

I was a rebellious little child

I was a mature youngster back in the day

I was a darling sweetheart thang that broke many a lacking heart

I am a grown dandelion

Now I wonder where I went, I love myself, I did.

Curls it her crazy hair, lost a moment to sink

I was a chillax partner there, I still would love to

I was a failing business woman, 

a fumbling server, a darling chef, 

a cunning navigator of local lands, shortcuts and coordination of the most routine of tasks I was

I was a sailor when I lost at sea, 

I found the sun rose on the other side of the Ganga

I made many stories sink there like a stone. 

I was a mother once, before I had no children. 

I was a rapist once, a slut, a slither in the jingling dark, no child could find me there

I was

A responsive lover once I was, 

responsive to cunning lies to deviousness

Responsible for a man bigger than what he said was, 

Was bigger than he really was, 

I was a loving lover was

Still am the lover I once was, better than I was before

I want love, so I am not free, 

Would I say no if yes to me? 

I was a loyal listener once, 

but silence frosted over the words 

and now I see what can be done, 

as hand doth speak that holds a gun, 

I am not afraid, I fear, 

I fly I flow, I carry dear

All the lessons I forget, I hold with me

once dry now wet

I am what I was, I am never again, 

a change, I am the current state

I be the young the old the aged

Mother son 

betrothed and bathed

for family's finding new her mother

Brother stands like pillar now, 

never to leave I was a fire. 

Anticipating Reality

A photo posted by Priyanka Rao (@priyankalyn) on Jul 20, 2015 at 1:52pm PDT

Pick a number
One by one until there is a string of rosary beads
To account for the times you have strayed from the path
Of affectionate carelessness.

Im a heartbeating whole of another's life,
mothers waist round my own slight
Knowledge of a sure and stable path
A path which leads to the pleasance of age
In accepting the stumblings of its own ragged feet, high heels have no place any longer.

I would apologize for the things I have said and done but in the end
Counting crows is sadder than

My own Welsh life. A toothache has been hurting me here,
A nail scratch on my blue veined wrist and intentional scar of the desperation.
I will tell you there is no reason to fear. I tell you there is no reason to season your sorrows with reason.

If ever a fear was worth forgetting it was the fear of not forgetting the way he touched your hair

You're there.
A moment from the thoughtlessness. A moment away from losing reason.
A slice away from the crack in the door.
The light shines through. You're heaven is there

Heartbreaking experience of making new friends

Yesterday I meditate on the rhythm of the swelling waves upon the low tide of the Weser river.  I watch perched upon the granite high wall of the Weserburg.  The fishman smirk.

Today I study intently my German grammar book, puzzling over the logic of the four German grammatical cases intending to sort through.

Tonight I drink wine glass after glass and glass as our dinner party swells to 20 so people and I simply wander convo to convo in search of satisfaction.

Twenty fascinating people, a tumult of good food and sensual accuity.
I find HowLisa combined with wine results in the confessions of true family life in a semi-family home, the Wohngemeinschaft.

Tarika wishes to share her summer, attempts to live with a boyfriend, a man and still be a person on one's own.  The theme of the summer.
Papa calls.
And American speaks to me.
A chilean with the Zealand accent and that tone of ease, a traveller.
A school student girl that is bicultural and at a party with her father until 1am.
A time to take them all to the bar and then return to our house guests alone all tough in the dark.

Good night.
Call me social, but let me sleep alone. Let me write in peace, and you can read.

Read that I am falling apart and that each confession is a new friendship, and the growing silence in my heart is actually the crecimiento of the new tree growing there- the return of my own silence,
that sound you can consider to by the story of my own soul.

I am.

Priyanka
31st July 2015

Ladies & Gentlemen & the rest of us

A blog is no joke they claim because it's public.  Not something you can just pull off, writing to yourself whatever crap you want.

Perhaps a masculine thing to say. Both men claim this, one 40+ the other under 20 sitting on either side of me.

Don't over edit my highschool teacher said.  A blog is not a novel.  It's not over composed.  Fresh and honest, it should be born of the present moment, not edited down to hardboiled fact.

Pennebacker has something else to say- writing therapy, the power of well-directed journaling for your self has the ability to transform cyclicly dangerous thought patterns into helpful reflection and redirection almost as if it were a form of meditation.  Is meditation a publishable act? An act beneficial to the public?

I don't blog because I haven't in years, or perhaps because I am afraid of the stage to say what I really think, the limelight I have lost to years of indecency- a BA degree I call my own.

Perhaps I don't blog because of the increased shame of falsity at large.  In my journal it is a bare-faced rant, with no audience but the ever-echoing universe I was born to.  In silence.

The internet, rather full of creepers and curious and discontent overexcited young and old variously-opinionated crowds I am prone to imagine, not only imagine, but to speak to, in increasingly delusional tones of conviction.

Forget the audience, the unseen crowd which calls forth falsity along with forthrightness. I speak for myself, and yet I bear to the world and confess I do have an audience in mind.  You my friend, are a person, read english, and hence a part of the current current of global affairs which sweep the mild, the meek and the shapers of tomorrow in one fell swoop of the wrathful Leela which proceeds, life.
Good luck following. 

Floating Daughter Away, a farewell to California

This evening on the beach, lying floating on the ocean, just beyond the waves, with the whole blue sky on my nose and the sun's golden warmth drifting somewhere north east of my closed eyelids, as I floated like a drifting maple leaf upon the ocean feeling the whole world tip and swerve against you. I lost direction and was aware of the tingling feeling of being weightless in space, or turning over in bed before the world re-hardens and re-positions itself around you.

The waves jerk you slightly and the horizon dividing place between water and air, is reestablished and still you open, breathing up, out, up, out, arms open wide, legs relaxed, letting go. Weightless is worth it. And talking to you God in the solid silence of the muffling ocean, so that every world reverberates soundly in my own ears, travels across my own head, like talking into my headphones and yet with nothing out there but the sea, the sky, God to record.
Present in that spaceless moment. Across the cold numb but normal sea, past the docks and honking sea-lions, the pier and the ships and mountains and out there is eventually the people of Hawaii, and the land of Japan.

And luckily for some reason, this time I am going the opposite direction= back across the United States, the Atlantic Sea, and to England, Great Britain, over the channel and to Germany. To all sort of new times and adventures. To business to academics. Responsibility.
Off across the cold sea to which my body can adapt so easily. Maybe a little fat is good - to keepafloat, and keep off the shivers.  To innocence as I know I could be taken anywhere.  It is in the hands of the Lord, and spirit of the human pioneer, the glue that keeps it all together. And yet take me away from the warm embrace of my mother who holds me and smiles and cuddles at night and knows exactly when I feel bad. Away.

And maybe a time will come when I will be close to her again because I miss her. I've always hated growing up...for that? But not being able to grow up to be that awesome kid inside at heart, the part that shines.  TXT to MOM: 12:05 am: I love you. They say you're always a kid to your mom. Hopefully I will never be anything else."  www Mom- Yet even still this life is so alone. I will be happy living it- with friends like you. God. And love. And spirit. And soul. There is a long way to swim and float and dive. ~ I am a dreamer.  PS. the Archer talks in his sleep! :) Awwwkay.

Anticipating Reality

Pick a number
One by one until there is a string of rosary beads
To account for the times you have strayed from the path
Of affectionate carelessness.

Im a heartbeating whole of another's life,
mothers waist round my own slight
Knowledge of a sure and stable path
A path which leads to the pleasance of age
In accepting the stumblings of its own
ragged feet, high heels have no place any longer.

I would apologize for the things I have
said and done but in the end
Counting crows is sadder than

My own Welsh life. A toothache has been
hurting me here,
A nail scratch on my blue veined
wrist an intentional scar of the desperation.

I will tell you there is no reason to fear.
I tell you there is no reason to season
your sorrows with reason.

If ever a fear was worth forgetting it
was the fear of not forgetting the way
he touched your hair

You're there.
A moment from the thoughtlessness.
A moment away from losing reason.
A slice away from the crack in the door.
The light shines through. You're
heaven is there.

Service, or Purpose

Returning from night-time preparations for Homecoming activities with a bustling group of Seniors: This is a moment I cherish in the flow of seasons of being what I am. 

Caught between the service to others and explosion of chaotic creativity that causes me to rush at all directions and yet find myself still, in that place where a beautiful world is whirling around in its own rhythm offering us passage to opportunities beyond what our meek imaginations claim. 

A chance to put up that model-ship mast, decorate that wedding tent in flowers, join my voice in the chorus of a bonding song; all calling me to take part in a bigger piece of art which forms the framework of the world. 

For in each little stitch, each little step I take, each load I lift, I paint a little more of the monotonous with a stroke of heartfelt interest. The masterpiece of our cumulative un-synchronized efforts begins to weave the path of survival through the tragedies of the past into a way through the future. 

A million tragedies are met by a billion hopes for the future; in broken homes and fading languages, empty libraries and homeless men, we can find a nascent child, a home to fill, a hand to hold.

This is the sketch I see, and in myself I see a tool to begin painting. I am untrained and inexperienced. But I enter the world with an open mind, a passion for human progress and a mentality of solving problems and giving my all to any work I do.

Lotus

He loves me

He loves me not

Beautiful, familiar

He is a stranger in his eloquence

Where is my heart without him?

But when shall he know the heart

that is within?

Our little smiles, familiar sweetness

To cover the distance

of lies.

Lies not to lie, not to hurt,

But to protect

myself

of the terrible unknown

He speaks of love

Have we ever gauged the depth

of one to another?

To uncover we stand

face to face

hope for grace

This transfer of energy

is no easy task,

just hoping that one day

The faces will fall away

The days will melt away

the glances will carry a gift

from one to the other

The man will stand up

The woman won’t back down

We will stand

I love him

I love him not

Fuzzy but fading

funny but failing

Honorable, Gold

in the light

Does he stand in the darkness?

Is this laugh superficial?

That deep laugh, rising from his chest

The realest joy I’ve ever felt

That smile when he just

loses all control of his expression

His joy- do I have the strength to make him smile?

He won’t call, unless there is a reason

I am dying to hear his voice

you think this is a lie?

If not love, its at least addiction.

The eyes, deep black

reaching out to take me in

For once let me sink to my knees

and cry.

You are still there

And you are still golden

And you are still the best

So let me be yours.

I love you.

And am willing to believe

despite the difference

and the futility,

You love me.

16^th July 2010

Wages

How long will this go on

a lie within a lie, game within the truth

Hassled bundles of emotion

Haggled together to find relief

Friction caused to bind the thief

to the robbed

and the stolen.

Worthless fought with earnest work

to keep somehow something shape or form

Laughter plagues the bedraggled ears

of chaos, Instantaneous; Tears

fight me back with mortal wounds

Over and over I plead guilty

Leave me to my own defects

Pain cannot envelope this grief

So the tragedy remains dry and tasteless

Walked through the days repeat

Back these roads are wry and paceless

Stuck between the greenly pages

These horrors can’t be rendered faceless

Masochistic optimism

draws in the flies like to a prison

Beating in a restless soul

Sell to me a glassless prism

Lit up enough

to light the sky

Free the pond’s delinquent cry

End the race and kill the die

Bird for stone and rock for sky.

31^st August 2010

Hoping

The heart.
My heart is sinking
like the sun on the horizon
Yearning for people to be happy
Unhappy is not the place to be
Unhappy is shaken
deflation of spirit
frustration of mind
Sorrow can be good though too
Sorrow can be fine
Sorrow can accept
and be content
Sorrow and Joy combined
Nothing to do about weight on your chest
But let it go and be fine.
After a while
The sun will shine
With joy. True joy.
Joy that’s experienced truth
Joy that’s experienced sadness
Makes it much more complete.
This is why we live together on this Earth.
For the joy and tears
Beauty, love and dissension
Here I am hoping for love
I am hoping for love
I am hoping for love
I am hoping for love
From you.

Black Marble

Twang wire sunlight
Burning down faster
than winter sunlight
I’m crying with my ribs
I want to see the Black stone
That we stand on
Ridiculous- we stand on
Marble black.
reflects the light
We soak up the heat
or on the black
But we are good
But we are white
We are fire
We are singing
To never stop
We are smiling
To never stop
So the water sea
will erode the soil
the black marble
The black marble
and the soil
will be new.
Will be red soil
Will be happy
Will be alive
will be there
When I die
‘Cause I am not dying, Red Soil
I am not singing to slime
To black soil
You are growing
You are growing
and red soil
goes black
The roots are delving
Deeper
You know it
You know it’s planted
I am rooted
and growing
in the red soil
They scatter my buds though
They scatter my blood
Mother
don’t stop
For I am still
of a fruit
and for the love
of the sky.

18th March 2010

Caller ID

Cry for the hurts

Caused by stuck up souls

Chats over a cup of coffee

That tormented the politics of freedom

Have you ever heard

the cries of my soul

As I tell you how my dad’s dying

And my mother’s lying

to her soul.

Do you not see how I lie to you

When I say the pain is theirs, not mine

Do have a heart that dares

To look into another’s eyes?

No doubt you’ve lied of reputation

You’ve saved your own through refutation

You can say nothing to me

That isn’t true

‘Cause I know your number.

The pain you’ve had

Is buried in a cave of dissatisfaction

We dug you up

To get robbed of priority

Holding hands is like temptation

Bloody hell is left for Satan

Takes a grip to make one sick

And hope is lost amid frustration

Don’t call me again

Caller ID is the new thing

To fall into the swing of things

Is to let go of the past like we never knew

That I’d have your number

But you know what?

It’s the flames of fruition

That suck up the strokes of my pen.

No one owns no one.

No one knows no one.

No number is known.

Ashes

Dying
on the inside
I believe in rebirth

Burning
through the layers
of masochistic insanity

I don't hate myself
I don't hate anyone else.
I just hate this feeling
That I don't belong

Belong perhaps
because of color and shape
Belong because of my name or my face
Belong because of right
Or terribly wrong

Do I deserve?

Its not a matter of comparison
I cannot be worse than a friend
I must only be the best
of myself
Standards on my own

But you, my mother, my father
My sister, my brother,
teacher and holder
caretaker, caregiver
You teach me the standards
I live by.

And yet they are my own.
Do I deserve?

Does this pain
correctly allocate the blame;
correctly certify the guilt
correctly advocate the shame?
Take this away, this seamless tide
of what and who and why I was.
Lies that name the darkest things
a person ever hoped to be.

I have been hurt
Let there be no lie.
The guilt gives me no strength
No moral fortitude resolves
What I have done.
No anger to vent
No soul to be rent
Poor savior, be sent
to my side.

I fear nothing more
Than the doubt
That I will make it out alive.
I couldn't care less for punishment
sorrow
If only I knew my heart would heal.
If only I knew my heart could still feel
The sunshine on a rainy day
And know that I'll be fine.

Dying
on the inside
Lying
in the rip tide
Crying
to be sanctified

There must be rebirth.
But do I deserve?

Soldier

The music is changing

The heart-springs that pull me apart

Its then that I know

I was less than a song from the start

Cause heartbeats don't change
the color of my skin
If you want me to break
It'll take more to win

My neurons are linked
like a twisted flower
I'm wired like a war-tank
Its built like a tower

You blood doesn't stop me shuddering
Holocaust is a revolution
of the gruesome infinite reality
Into sickening sadly sunken ships.

My works are sacrificed
for your every call to help
But helping is consistent to myself
And your eyes tell me you are defeated.

I am sick with your loss
You glassy-eyed thing
But I cannot stop
I report to the king.

Repertoire, Commissary,
Painless job, delivery

Its my job to administrate
the movement of the fireflies
Its my dream to stay awake
At least until the fire dies

And though you ponder
what controls me
At least my Captain
is raging free.

Storyteller-cursed to tell
Stories like an axe-on-tree
Its histories you're cursed to fell
And stop the truths from hitting me.

Repertoire, Commissary
Painless job, delivery.

They hired me for the face
That told them they belong
In a stopped-clock salary
I think my face was wrong.

And I am sick with losing you
Your glassy eyes still torturing
I swear there was nothing I could do
I keep reporting to the King.

Ignorance not worth this price
Your death worthier than your life-
It is my hope to be deceived
But truth is sharper than my knife.

Repertoire, Commissary
Painless job, delivery
I live and die in painless greed
Your king was mine
and we believe
In parking brakes and rusting keys
Change of gears
And we are free.

16^th May 2010

Force Me

I walk away

to hear you say

‘Why do you do this to me?’

I come to you

and here you say

‘Why do you do this to me?’

I come to be

here for a day

to see you laugh

or turn away.

To leave me naked

to leave me bare

to leave me dying

or in despair

I walk away

to hear you say

the words that bring me back again.

Oh, please may I ask a single question-

Why do you do this to me?

P.L.Rao

4^th April 2009

Thirsty

Laughs
Like the tinkling of a shell twig
in the wind

Ragged breath
Like the removal and renewal
of dirty sheets

Do you die
for the joy of the coming
generation?

Gritted teeth
To hold together the misinformation
of carnation

Drinking up
The elixir of glittery satisfaction
To be yours.

Dry as
a silly bee
in the autumn season
To be consumed by
The absence of
nectar.

21st June 2010

Divergence

I could see the whole dress
Ripping down the seams
The dress of our relationship
Falling from my skin
And I will never be ready to be naked
Without you.

And I could see your hand fall away
There is nothing left to give
In the silence of the night
Your breathing shall not give
The comfort it once did.

At least in the quiet moments of night
peace can carry us to sleep
I never wanted to dream up lies
And now there is nothing left between us
To escape from

This dress drifts to the floor
And I am free from the itchiness of its weave
But some discomforts are worth living with.
And I’m still not sure
I am rid of you.

Nothing can force this silence down
But our words are heard unspoken
The harmony that our hearts play out
Has never ceased to make perfect sense
This ragged love can no longer delay
The point of our divergence.

15th May 2010

Woman

Women are beautiful
Was there ever any doubt?
And when they step like a flower
To the light
And as I wander
So aim-less-ly
We may safely say
That she is I and I am she
Womanhood.
Is a state of red blood
And fair skin
Tough love
and hard faith
And no home
will ever be as home to me
As the home
a woman
makes for me.

May 1st 2010

Taking you back

This may kill you
To hear me say
That you are dirty
Dirty like a killer plane
Crashes in the flames.

Dirty in the betrayal
Shore up what is left of your love
Among the muck of sick
betrothal.

You grabbed me by the hooks
And raided my pockets
It’s a hard world
To stay warm in.

If the fires are ever relit in your heart
Then may you go through the pain
of remorse
And relearn the meaning
of human.

And if the hopes are ever aroused again
May you remain isolated
Till you have the strength
To forgive yourself.

And if I’ve done you wrong
Then what have you done to me?
In pain and sorrow
All you could give is an apology.
And to give you’d have to reach me
And to reach you’d have to find me
And to find me would a job for you.
For Im living life,
And you have been dead.
And I don’t plan
on taking you back.

30th April 2010

Listen

To withhold myself and listen
When my heartbeat wont stop flying
To deny myself the simple right
of selfish ambition
By physical power
to prevent my indulging
in pleasurable worry
To stop myself and listen.
By mind I lose to personal daydreams
By heart to distracting desires
By decision I withhold
my personal pursuits
silence my spider-web mind of matters
and Listen
when there is someone speaking
To hear when someone calls
To learn when someone teaches
What have I missed
in searching for what I thought I wanted?
Who have I hurt
in finding what I thought healed me?
Home I have lost
in the race for some elusive ‘other’
Call me home
And I will come
Hear my call
Answer me
I withhold myself to listen.

9th March 2010